So I haven't been posting much on the blog this year because I haven't felt my life has been quite exciting enough, however the events of the past two weeks have proven different. All names have been omitted for legal protection.
I warn you this story is long so I divided it into a VEGAS section and a MEXICO section. Skip what you want as needed.
VEGAS
It all began the first Saturday of my spring break. Because my good friend (for the sake of this story I will refer to him as 'Hoover' as in 'Good maneuver Hoover') had invited me to Puerto Vallarta Mexico the following week (while I was supposed to be in school) I figured the best use of my break would be to remain in Boulder and get caught up on school work. I also had planned to go up to the ranch for the weekend with several girls and fraternity brothers who were also staying in Boulder. Saturday morning, I woke up and texted all of them that I would be at the house at three o clock that afternoon to give directions. When I show up at the house, only one of my brother's was there so we quickly abandoned our plans and started looking for other things to do. Long story short we found some hot dogs, burgers, and beer in the refrigerator so we decided an impromptu barbeque was in order. Several hours later we find that a small party has formed in our volleyball pit around a small open bonfire, two coolers of jungle juice, a large handle of Jack Daniels, and several cases of Keystone. The party continued on into the night as we shot pledges with airsoft guns and made s'mores until around 2 am when people began to disperse. While making the pledges wrap themselves in toilet paper and walk around like mummies, one of my brothers (codename: Emo) asks me if I want to go toke so I of course say yes and follow him to the house of yet another brother (codename: Gay Bar). The house is locked and Gay Bar is out of town so we use a weed puller to break a latch on the window and get in. Once in, we find that he has a full set of professional DJ lights and lasers on a large rack in the middle of the room. We turn them all on and start smoking and out of nowhere a small rave party forms. People start showing up from out of nowhere and the party continues. Around 4 am Emo turns to another brother (codename: Jarhead) and says 'Yo dude we should go to Vegas tomorrow!' I remembered that they had been planning on going for a couple days during break but hadn't actually made any specific plans. After a little debate, they decide that they will leave at 6:30 the next morning (which was only about 2 hours away). The party continues until five when Emo and Jarhead ask me if I want to go with them on their trip. I say that I cant because I needed to save my money for Mexico. Emo promises that as long as I can bring $60, I will get through the week. Convinced, I hop into the car. After a brief stop at my dorm to get clothes, we departed finally around 6 am.
I wake up the next morning at about 10 in the middle of the desert with no clear idea where I am, where I had been, or where I was going. After a 19 hour drive, we finally arrive in Vegas and realize that no one had thought to call ahead for a hotel room. We sit parked in a garage for 2 more hours calling around for a deal we can afford and decide that the cheapest we could find is at the Luxor (though we couldn't necessarily afford it). Once we get there, we find that the current rate was $90 a night which was way over our budget. I ask to see the manager and, after some very desperate sweet talking, we get not only a markdown to $60 a night but also a room upgrade. Of course the room took my entire $60 I had promised to the cause so I found myself broke with only my mom's credit card in my pocket. What exactly happened in what order in Vegas is hard to say but i do know that we immediately got fucked up on Fat Tuesday footlong Daquiri's and stared gambling. I was able to procure another $25 dollars and lost it all within twenty minutes on Blackjack and Craps.
This next part I feel obligated to tell is kind of really disgusting but then again, so am I. I must warn you that if I post this, we can no longer give out the link to this blog as this would most likely ruin my life. Because I couldn't pay for the second hotel room we were staying in, I had to sleep on the floor. In an effort to make that more enjoyable, I called room service and had them deliver 10 extra blankets and pillows so I could make a fort. The fort happened to be quite a hit in our hotel and we found ourselves in it quite a lot. On one such occasion I was laying next to this girl (codename: Chopsticks), Emo, and our other friend (codename: Rim Job). I'm not quite sure how it happened without me noticing but I later found out that while we were all there, Rim Job managed to 'accidently' remove Chopsticks thong, eat her out, and insert a few inches of a chopstick...well...you know where... After hearing this I deducted that Chopsticks was indeed a whore. A night or two later I found myself drunk and alone in one of our friends (nickname: Moneybags) room with Chopsticks. Thinking with the wrong head I proceed to fuck her violently (with protection) for around 45 minutes after which Moneybags comes out of the bathroom and says 'Did you guys really think that I couldn't hear that from the bathroom?' I had completely forgotten that he was in there but he wasn't mad or anything so I got dressed and went downstairs to party. The next day I get a call from Moneybags asking how I got blood and semen all over the bed. I could explain the semen but not the blood. After thinking for around 10 seconds, I vomited into a trash can. No joke.
The rest of Vegas was pretty much just a crazy party in which we trashed hotel rooms, smoked weed, drank daquiris, ate shitty buffet food, and fucked bitches. Moneybags had made several bets on march madness and was up $5000 so he was buying drinks like a madman. In an effort to steal back my gambling losses I acquired around $50 of souveniers (including 3 pairs of sunglasses) with the five-finger discount. We also convinced a random stranger to jump into the lake at the Bellagio, but other than that, nothing happened.
The last night we were there, Emo tells us that a band he is friends with is playing a show with 3Oh!3 at the House of Blues. He puts us on the guest list and we go to the show. Afterwards while hanging out with the band they mention that they can't stay and party because they're going to LA. After they left we continued to party until around 4 am when Emo says, 'Lets go to the beach'. I had been planning of leaving that next day for Colorado with Gay Bar but my logic said different. I figured we had started in a sandy volleyball court, driven through the sandy desert, so I guess my destiny was to end up on a sandy LA beach. Around 7 am, we all pile in the car and leave for LA. In LA we get on the list again and go to the show and we ended up partying with the band back stage. After wards we needed to smoke so at 3am on Saturday I was sitting by the Pacific ocean, getting high, completely broke, and I was absolutely loving my life.
MEXICO
After a 23 hour drive, 18 hours of sleep, and a day of school, I was ready to go again. Hoover and I departed Tuesday morning and from the time we arrived at the hotel, chaos ensued. Of course we immediately got hammered in our room (gotta love all inclusive) and went to the pool to find some girls. We ended up meeting two (codenames: Sexytits and Fatchick) from Chicago. We go our separate ways for dinner and agree to meet them at a small sports bar later to party. While there, Hoover and I get WAY fucked up. I steal a bottle of Smirnoff from behind the bar and suggest we go to the beach. I black out for a little here but the next thing I realize I'm in a hotel room. Obviously assuming it's my room I begin throwing beer bottles off the balcony on the sidewalk and breaking drinking glasses. Suddenly two guys I don't know walk in. In a drunken fit of assholery I proceed to kick them out while breaking shit. All of a sudden Sexytits walks up to me and says, 'what the fuck are you doing kicking OUR friends out of OUR room?' I say 'Oh...sorry' and walk out leaving Hoover behind. I actually ended up taking the elevator down with the guys I kicked out.
After finding Hoover we get separated from the girls so we decide to go find a club. We get in a cab and ask to be taken to Senor Frogs. In the cab Hoover and I start screaming at each other because not only does Hoover not have any money for the $40 round trip cab fare but also he won't stop texting his ex girlfriend (codename: Superbitch). I solve the dispute by stealing his phone and paying the cab when we finally arrive downtown. Because spring break was almost over and it was a tuesday night, we found that the clubs were very empty. Needless to say we were kicked out of two bars for having liquor poured down our throats and not being able to pay and also for being way too wasted. At one club, for some odd reason, people were dressed as superheroes. The next morning when I asked Hoover if he remembered grinding with spider-man, he said, 'That was real? I thought I dreamed that!'
The next day was somewhat uneventful but still a great time. We walked 4 miles down the beach (without sunscreen) to meet a friend of Hoovers (codename: Five minutes) at her hotel. While there we got wasted and went boogie boarding and then sat at the swim up to the pool bar for around an hour. The bartender actually told us twice to slow down our drinking. We went to a much closer club that night at which Hoover passed out on the bar twice and I was a victim of a very cute but very prude cock tease. Back in the hotel I realized that the no sunscreen thing was a bad idea as I had a very severe sunburn over every surface of my body except my cock and my ass.
The next day we met a new group of girls (codename: Canadians) at the pool and we invited them to drink with us that night. We also saw Sexytits and Fatchick who, despite the fact that I trashed their room and kicked out their friends, asked if they could see us that night too. Not having been laid the whole trip thus far, and also knowing that we were leaving the next day, I decided to be as forward about getting laid as possible with both Sexytits and one of the Canadians. I need a good story to leave Mexico with and I thought a two-in-one-night would be absolutely perfect. We began our night with dinner with Hoovers mom and brother at which we learned that at one point, Hoover's mom had placed a baby monitor in the basement to hear what Superbitch would say. I started laughing immediately because, knowing Hoover and Superbitch, it was X-rated. Turns out they were humping on the pool table that night. Also, on a side note, I must point out that we got through this whole trip, shirtless almost the entire time, and Hoover's mom STILL is unaware of his most recent tattoo. So after dinner Hoover and I went to the sports bar to wait for things to happen. The Canadians, Sexytits and Fatchick show up and after many rounds, we all leave for the club. As we are walking in, I put my arm around the Canadian I've had my eye on and suggest we go to the beach. On the way there, we pass two couples fucking and some guy getting a blow job. Needless to say we ended up fucking too. After we finished, Canadian asks me to dance with her back in the club. I say 'Of course' and walk back with her on my arm. As we approach the club, I see Sexytits standing out side. I remove the Canadians arm, walk right up to Sexytits and ask her to go down to the beach. She says ok and we walk away while the Canadian yells 'Fuck you you fucking asshole!' and walks into the club alone. On the beach, I attempt to kiss her at least 5 times but am always turned down by the pesky 'I have a boyfriend' line (It turns out he was actually in Puerto Vallarta at the same time we were). Shot down I decide to go back to the club. When I get back, the Canadian is outside and she is really pissed. She starts yelling at me for fucking her and ditching her for another girl 10 seconds later and not dancing with her in the club. I apologize and tell her me and the other girl didn't have sex. Needless to say it worked because no less than an hour later we were skinny dipping in the ocean. At the end of the night, I bring her to my room, ask Hoover to go sleep on the balcony, and begin to absolutely wreck this girl. In total, we were going at it for probably two hours with brief intermissions. She apparenty came several times but the last time was different. We were in missionary and she starts screaming fairly loud. Out of nowhere she yells 'IM CUMMINGGG!!!' while she reaches up and drags her finger nails down my chest. All her screaming was turning me on so I start to finish too and for some reason I forget to stop her clawing. When we're done I lay down and she tries to lay on my chest. As she does, I notice a very painful stinging sensation. I get out of bed to turn the lights on and when I look in the mirror, I notice very distinct scratch marks on my chest are starting to bleed. Don't forget I am severely sunburned already. Needless to say she stayed the night and Hoover and I left for Denver the next day (Friday). It is currently Monday and I just now took this picture of my chest to supplement the story. The peeling is from the sunburn.
Viva La Mexico
